One of the things most couples will assure you of, in any long term committed relationship or marriage, is that there will be ups and downs. Times where it’s nothing but smooth sailing and times when you wake up, look at the person lying next to you and think, “I don’t even like you, let alone feel love.”
While you’ve heard me speak endlessly on how imperative it is to keep the emotional connection strong for a relationship to flourish, there are certainly other things that easily add to a solid bond and being a team or hurt it immensely.
In Poe’s quote, “Years of love have been forgot, in the hatred of a minute”, I’m reminded of countless individuals I’ve talked to over the years who went from having a deep satisfaction and love for their partner, to being ready to throw in the towel over a comment, situation or event. And no, I’m not kidding.
There’s something about us human beings that has us not only remember the slights, hurts or transgressions caused by a partner, but leaves us putting much more weight to them, then a list a mile long of all the loving, caring, wild expressions of devotion and love that have taken place over the years.
While I understand that our egos love to protect us, believing it is helping keep us safe by “remembering” what could happen to us again, the sad truth is that we honestly don’t need this kind of protection that our reptilian brains tell us we need. Holding on to wounding so that we forget all the good that takes place every day works against the strong, loving connection needed to sustain a long term relationship!
So, what’s worth letting go of and what’s worth taking seriously enough that you keep the topic at the forefront, working toward resolution or new agreements?
Lovingly Let Go of:
- The snarky comment about your best friend being kind of a “lush”
- The Xmas vacuum you received while you watched your sister-in-law open that sexy nightie from her hubster
- The comment, thrown out in anger about how selfish you can be sometimes
- The fact that you found out your partner did, indeed, have one last goodbye conversation with his/her ex when he/she said they didn’t
- The realization that your partner is never going to consider moving to California when he/she said they would love to, the first year of your marriage
Bravely Address Head-on:
- If you see that your partner / spouse has been sexting or texting intimate things to another person
- When there are signs of sneak drinking or consistent alcohol / substance abuse, even when they say “It’s no big deal, I’m fine!”
- Any consistent lies, even small “white” ones that begin tearing at the fabric of trust in your relationship
- Derogatory, mean-spirited, hurtful attacks or accusations
- An affair that has been found out or taken place, regardless of whether your partner/spouse says “We don’t need to talk about it, it’s over.”
- Consistent disengagement in the relationship, whether it’s with the necessary day to day activities, with the kids, socially, or by withdrawing sexually
Our quote, “Years of love have been forgot, in the hatred of a minute”, asks us to look hard at all the good created in a love relationship and set aside anger that rises up in reaction to something dumb being said or done. We’re human, we make mistakes and we will end up hurting each other at times. A sign of real maturity is when we are able and willing to let things go quickly and move on, holding tightly to all that is “right” between you.
Another sign of maturity, though, is having the confidence to address head on anything that feels out of alignment with a healthy, loving connection. Being in a love relationship requires the ability to speak up when it’s necessary, not stick your head in the sand and committing to addressing issues of importance as close to the moment as possible - regardless of whether those conversations are welcomed at the time or not.
This is mature love. This is how we continue with our own personal work of “waking up” and this, my friends, is one of the ways we transform our mediocre relationships into rich, vibrant heart connections!
Big love to you all~