I thought I was going to escape it this year and yet here I am, trying to fine tune a speech and it's once again quietly stepped in and put its arm around me.
There's never a connection for me.....it's just suddenly there. Its heavy and uncomfortable and at the same time, there's pleasure in leaning against its shoulder. Maybe because I know I can walk away after a while or because I trust that it will get tired of me also, and move on.
No links. Nothing to do.
Some thoughts rise and fall, like Seth with his 2 year old fingers wrapped around mine or the smell of my Mom's perfume. I see an old card on my shelf that a friend and I used to howl over and choke up remembering how she literally saved my ass as I was being broken in two. My whole body longs for things that I have no words for or pictures of. I cry. I stop. I feel numb. I cry. I feel grateful. I want to go away. It's just that I'm not sure from what. Or where I'd go.
I've hiked dry, bouldered deserts like this, walked under a canopy of wet fir trees, driven too fast and too far on long stretches of highway and sat staring out at the sky long into the night. Nothing shifts the melancholy. It just sits quietly with me. Doesn't even care to be entertained. We've had an understanding from about 8 yrs of age. I'll call out your name. Speak your presence. You remain silent. I'll take it from there.
And then.......as suddenly as it comes, it will dissolve. And my standing on this earth will feel, in the tiniest way, a bit like I've landed in new territory.
Big love to you all as you travel each of your own perfect paths in just the way it comes.