Ok. I succumbed. I’m finally tackling the topic of “sex talk”, or “dirty talk” in bed, so here we go! Honestly, I’m not sure why people are so concerned whether this is “ok” or normal in an intimate relationship. My guess is it’s because human beings are obsessed in general with whether they fall in the “normal” category concerning almost anything. As a Relationship Coach, I’m asked regularly for my opinion on what the “normal” amount of sex is to have during a week. Or month. Or year. Who cares how much sex everyone else is having? (By the way, if they’ve been a relationship for a while, they're not having as much as you think!) If you and your partner are feeling good about how often you are connecting, then how about you call it good?
So, let’s start here: Sex is supposed to be fun. Enjoyable. When it adds to deepening the intimacy in a way that compliments an already strong emotional, mental and spiritual connection, it can be absolutely amazing. Any of us that have experienced that kind of soulful, all- encompassing connection can attest to that!
Sex – good relationship sex – the kind we’re talking about here – requires vulnerability in every sense of the word. It calls over and over again, for a releasing of built up tension, a dissolving of emotional walls and a willingness to take a deep dive so that bodies, hearts and souls can be bared. When this happens, sex becomes an adventure, a beautiful exploration and release. An important part of that necessary release process can be around images held, daily masks worn in the world and all the many ways we show up on a regular basis in an attempt to meet others expectations, be responsible, and get approval! The beauty of a physical relationship is that it can open a door to other aspects of us that need expressing. Talking to our partner during sex about everything from how good something feels, what we want more of or the depth of our love in that moment can be intensified by allowing the words to come out uncensored and with passion. Talking dirty, letting language be organic, real, come from a sultry, sensual, aroused place can be incredibly bonding in a way that only raw passion can deliver.
Interestingly, it can also add to the couple's bond by the very nature of it being a kind of “secret”, sexy, private expression of their love. Any time a couple feels something is “theirs"...just for each other, it heightens the emotional connection.
If you’ve ever found yourself in a relationship where the other person is basically “silent” during love making, you know it can be an incredibly uncomfortable feeling. Trust me, this isn’t just a “woman” thing, as many people presume. Countless woman have told me over the years that they didn’t know what was going on when the man they’d been getting closer and closer to suddenly clammed up when they hit the sheets! I myself, experienced this with a man who was a nonstop talker out of the bedroom and who would then go silent during sex, only to become a chatterbox again when we were done! It’s a lonely place to find yourself. If physical lovemaking is to be a kind of “exclamation point” on an already intimate connection, then what does is say if at the time you both are “baring it all”, your lover retreats into a silent cocoon?
If either one of you is finding it challenging to be open and expressive during lovemaking, don’t just ignore it in the hopes that things will change for the better. In an intimate relationship, the “glue” is the strength of the emotional connection. If you aren’t willing to risk having important conversations and address things that could be a stumbling block down the road, then count on problems in this area later.
Some important considerations as you navigate the “sheets”:
- Is your lover/partner basically a non-verbal person in general? Is this just spilling over into the bedroom? If that’s honestly the case, you need to decide if this is truly “ok” with you and if you have enough connection in other ways to forego “words of affirmation” and organic, verbal expression.
- Do you or your partner feel unskilled in the area of sex and is it translating into silence? Many times people who are otherwise confident in life, will hold back, including verbally, during sex as they are unsure of what to say, do and of being seen as “incompetent.”
- Many individuals still carry lingering shame, embarrassment and fear around sexual expression in general as a result of old messages from parents, society, religious figures and in some cases, previous partners! One reprimand, delivered in a way that produces self- doubt and shame can quickly shut a person up. The risk can then feel too great to express the wellspring of feelings and emotions with a loving partner that are bubbling to the surface.
- Sadly, sometimes the silence is result of a person not having any real desire or ability to be deeply intimate and a reflection of them being dis-engaged, other than to reach the point of orgasm. Anything else, from verbal expressions of closeness and love to being a generous “giver” in bed go out the door as they focus solely on themselves and their immediate satisfaction.
Sharing fantasies during sex? Dirty talk? Trying new positions? Spicing things up in ways you both find exciting? These things can not only be fun, all the ways that you keep the physical connection strong will directly translate into a deeper intimacy in general.
It goes without saying (although I’ll still say it again!) that it’s important to listen to your partner concerning areas in which they feel uncomfortable, need to take things slow or require some additional reassurance to completely relax. Respect and trust are imperative as a couple explores their sexual relationship. Take things slow, don’t jump in before you are confident you have both of those things in place and then be willing to let the protection go and the adventure to begin! Allow your vulnerability to show and the passion to flow without censor! Enjoy!