Requirements, Walls or Just Being Controlling?

Some of the deepest work I do with clients is helping them, whether they are single or already coupled, get crystal clear on what their “requirements” are in their most intimate relationships. When we have personal values that we live our lives by, sharing our journey with someone who does not honor the same values can not only cause tons of friction, it can hurt our hearts and soul.  At the same time, being with someone who has a true respect for you and similar values can create a magical, growth filled bond.

This goes for any relationship that we engage in, whether it’s a deep love connection or a close friendship.  Being anchored in similar values is imperative for it to thrive, even as you do your own personal growth work to honor the many differences between us all. 

And there’s the rub, right? If you’re finally ready to stop tolerating poor or hurtful behavior, leave behind draining, drama filled encounters and uplevel your own personal standards, you’ve got to figure out a few things:

  • Am I internally strong enough to accept that I do, indeed, have true “requirements” of others for us to be in any kind of relationship?
  • Are the “non-negotiables” I’m considering sharing actually just walls of protection, in an attempt to keep from being hurt.
  • Is my list one that actually reflects “controlling” behavior on my part, not actual requirements that honor my values and who I am at the core?

Let’s look at an example of each so that you can get a feel for this work and maybe begin making your own, empowered list of healthy “deal-breakers!”


Heathy Requirement: 

“I require that people I am in relationship with have the willingness and ability to speak to me respectfully, even when they are upset, frustrated or we don’t agree on something.”

A Wall of Protection:

“I require a person prove to me unequivocally that they will never say or do anything that makes me feel bad or hurts me.”

Controlling Behavior:

“People must listen to me and honor what I say my needs are.”

Can you hear the difference between these three? We have no control over anyone but ourselves. People get to act anyway they want to act, do what they want and will perceive things through their own filters, just like we do. It’s our job to make sure we are showing up with integrity, that we understand what we “require” for us to have rich, engaging connections with others and to take a stand for those things.

Leading with strong requirements will not only begin to draw to you people you resonate with and respect, it will swiftly begin to dissolve connections that fall under the heading of entanglements, connections based on unhealthy dynamics and the ones you hang on to because you fear their judgment if you speak up for yourself.

How strong is your Personal Foundation? Are you ready to begin a “requirements” list and see where you can begin practicing in your life?

And as you’re doing this fun exercise, brace yourself, because guess what? When your list is done, the next step is to go through it and see how well YOU honor these requirements that you say you cherish, when you’re with others! It’s a fantastic way to determine your next area of growth.

Want ALL of your relationships to be meaningful connections that bring you ALIVE!?  I want that for you, too. Grab your journal, start your list and see where you need to personally grow. I’m here if you need help or support. 

Let’s add to the consciousness of our world by starting right where we are. 

Big love to you all~