Scenes From The Bedroom

Let’s have a little fun this week and dive into the hot topic of “sex”, shall we?

One of the biggest complaints I hear from individuals in any kind of long term, committed relationship is that they are having issues around their sex life.  It can be any number of things, but seems to center mainly around both the “quantity” and “quality” of it!  It can sound like this:

“Everything is great in our relationship except for the fact we can’t find time for sex anymore.”
 “Things are really stressful in our relationship and the first thing that flew out the window was sex.”
“Our sex life is waning and honestly, because it’s gotten so boring, I’m just not interested.”
“I’m not willing to have sex when we seem to have no other connection right now.”

Then, there’s this being said also, by SO many women:

“I love him, but I could care less about ever having a sexual relationship with him again.”
“Now that I’m going through menopause (before/after/hormones) I have ZERO interest in having sex.”
“I can’t stand going through the motions anymore.  It’s the same old thing over and over and I’m just not interested!”
“Why can’t my partner understand that I need to feel “turned on” before I want to have sex!?

If you and your partner are in the throes of this, you know how frustrating it can be for both of you.  If not, odds are that you will come up against one of these challenges if you remain in the relationship for any length of time.

Why? Because remaining intrigued, sexually excited, fascinated with your partner and full of lusty thoughts naturally calms down and can easy dissolve completely as the heat of passion fizzles and everyday life takes over.

If you’re cringing or thinking “that will never happen to us”,  just consider how “newness” brings an initial intensity to everything in our lives. The new internship, the new car, the new hobby, the new date………..part of the thrill is that our brain is firing in a different way and we are amped up by feelings of intrigue, the unknown and even an excitement at taking “risks” that actually turn us on.  So, if this is inevitable and you are wondering if there is any good news here, I can assure you there is!

Sex does not equal true intimacy.  Sex is an act and does not necessarily come with love or connection. True intimacy is:  In – To – Me – See and requires a commitment to vulnerability.

If you plan to be in a beautiful, long term relationship the goal has to be that of moving toward a deep, solid, intimate connection in which safety and trust are established.  When this becomes the focus and a commitment is made to grow those areas and keep them strong, guess what also remains strong? 

The emotional connection.

And guess what happens when the emotional connection remains strong? In other words, that sense of being “bonded”, “a team”, the feeling that “I have your back and you have mine?”

Yep. The warm, delightful emotional connection spills right over into physical desire. When we feel bonded in love and safety and trust with our partner, our whole body leans in to that person. We want to give as much as receive. We listen better, which opens doors to creating a richer, more interesting sex life if boredom has begun to set in!  We want happiness for our partner, so we easily look for ways to meet their needs, in addition to our own.

And most important, we are reminded when emotionally connected, that this “Yes!” that was shouted quite a while ago was to the “whole” thing…… the adventure and excitement and to the personal responsibility involved in sharing your life with this person you love.  

A whole, beautiful loving relationship includes and requires remaining connected in every area – emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. When we rise to the occasion and bring our best self to each of those areas, again and again, our most intimate relationships become a sweet dance of depth, maturity and real, lasting Love.

May this be so for each of you~ 

Big love, Barb