Ok, damn it. This is just not funny anymore.
I’m going to do something I’ve never done before and hope you’ll bear with me, as I rant and then get to my request.
For God’s sake, people! If you can’t handle yourself with even the smallest bit of integrity in relationships and through an “ending”, if that is where you wind up, then PLEASE don’t get into one, until you can. Ok?
Yes, you’re keeping me in business. Your date, Gf/Bf / lover/ significant other/spouse is coming to me, dumbstruck at how ridiculous you’ve been, shocked at your behavior and hurt by the lack of character you’ve displayed. They are looking to me not only for support to move on, but for some kind of answer to the WTF questions that keeps looping through their heads at night, as they replay the ways you’ve shown up with the emotional maturity of a “gnat.” Worse yet, as each week goes by, many of them are learning more about how lacking in integrity you were while you were together, professing your love and acting as if everything was “Ok.”
I don’t want this kind of business. Really.
It’s time to wake up.
I’m known for saying,
“If you want the benefits of a relationship, you need to accept the responsibilities of one, also.”
I also spout often,
“Look. It’s great to be single. Enjoy it. But if you decide you are ready to share your life with someone, then first make sure you have the ability, the moral compass, the resilience and the maturity to handle every aspect of it – dating to breakup.
So here we go. Ready?
Raise your right hand. Yup, keep it up. Take a deep breath and repeat after me:
“I will not begin dating until I educate myself on my personal “junk”, what ended my last relationship, identified where I need to grow and have committed to doing this work on a daily basis, with outside help or accountability of some kind.”
“I will not agree to be exclusive or monogamous in my relationship if what I really mean is that I hope you don’t find out.”
“I will not stick my head in the sand or let my huge ego convince me that I have no issues, then continue to create drama and play the blame game.”
“I will not lie, acting as if it’s nothing, for my own personal gratification. This includes blatant lies, lying by omission, lying to cover my ass, lying to stay out of trouble, lying to get the outcome I want, lying about my feelings and desires – I will not lie, PERIOD.”
“I will not let my fear get in the way of being authentic, fully transparent and telling my truth, even if we disagree or it causes a strong reaction in my relationship. If I have no practice at doing this, I will agree to speak about my fear in the moment, so it’s out there, versus withholding.”
“I will not begin dating while I am actively addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling or anything else that causes painful turmoil in a relationship and will wait until I have spent time addressing these issues head on with a professional and made some progress. If I’m in a relationship and dealing with addictions, I will take responsibility for getting help and support, NOW.”
“I will not act like a wounded teenager and react to the ending of a relationship in ways that reflect immaturity and little character. This includes using FB and all social media to vent, whine, attack, trash, point fingers or in any way break the privacy between two individuals that should be respected.”
“I will not act enlightened and say things like ‘I’ve not handled myself well in other relationships and have hurt people, but thank goodness I’ve learned from all that’ when I haven’t actually changed a thing and immediately start playing out the same behaviors with new people.”
“I will not justify my emotionally immature behaviors including being manipulative, controlling, threatening or intentionally playing games with a partner when I feel insecure.”
I could go on, but swearing to take even these 9 agreements to heart will stop 95% of the damage and hurt that’s being caused in relationships.
Look. It’s one thing to have your “humanness” cause some hurt, an argument, have your “triggered self” begin to freak out and need a “do-over” or feel the need to take some space until you find your sanity again. That’s “working it.”
What I’m exhausted with and honestly, sick and tired of hearing, is how many times a person has been lied to, cheated on, verbally abused, manipulated into doing things or led intentionally to believe their relationship was something it was not out of sheer immaturity, self-centeredness and the inability to act like a compassionate, caring adult.
My business is called “Revolutionary Love” because I’ve committed to not only my own personal growth in all these areas, but to helping people on a daily basis really “do relationship different.” I know we never learned this stuff. I know it's frustrating to be tackling issues of personal character at this age. I understand it’s embarrassing to have to admit that there are areas in which we are seriously lacking in emotional maturity. But “it is what it is” and until we wise up and begin including “conscious relationship” training in our high schools and at home, then that’s the work on the table right now.
I want you to enjoy what it feels like to finally live in alignment with a powerful, cool, personal honor code. My wish is that you experience the kind of ease and freedom that comes from liking how you “show up”, not only in love relationships, but in the world. Believe me when I tell you that committing to “growing yourself up” takes a kind of courage and bravery that will make you proud of yourself and allow you to sleep well at night.
Oh. And the best part? You start attracting awesome people who can now start coming into your life!
You took the oath, so you’re doing this, right?
Better mean it, or I’m coming after you...