You never know what a week is going to bring.
The intention I had set was to enjoy the individual Coaching that I do at the beginning of the week and then carve out big chunks of time to keep fine-tuning the new offerings I’m putting together for the coming year. This requires me to be very open, grounded, focused and creatively inspired!
Instead, I tanked -- Emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.
All in one 24 hour period.
Sunday I thought I was Ok…….Monday I’d lost my #$%*.
By late afternoon when my last Coaching call ended, I drug myself over to the couch so that I could figure out what was bothering me. Nothing had surfaced during my morning meditation other than feeling like I was distracted and having a hard time sitting.
The thing that was getting my attention most and stirred up fear, was that I felt like everything in my life had just slid into crisis mode. That included my relationship (which is amazing!) my home atmosphere (but I’ve just moved into a gorgeous new house!) my Coaching practice (except I’ve received more private messages over the last 5 days with people expressing gratitude for my work than ever before!) and my friendships (which are all rock solid!) So what the WTH was going on?!
Before I share what I realized, I want to say right here and now how important it is to have a go-to process in place that you can reach for when you realize something is “off” internally. Whether it’s a body scan practice, a journaling technique or simply closing your eyes, sitting and asking the Universe, “Hey!? Why are you trying to get my attention right now?” it’s wildly important to have that tool. Committing to a daily spiritual practice of sitting in the silence, even for 5 minutes each morning, keeps the channels open and guidance flowing in.
Ok. So back to my meltdown.
As I closed my eyes and scanned my body, asking for information, I saw and felt a thick, black residue all across my chest and solar plexus area. I noticed a large knot in my stomach. I felt like running. Or yelling. Or hiding. Or saying, “Screw it!” to everything. And remember. Everything was actually going well in my life.
So I grabbed my journal, said out loud (yes, I talk to myself) “I want to know what’s causing this fear and drama I’m creating because it’s not real! Please tell me what the black residue represents?” And I proceeded to hear the words “toxicity and fear everywhere” and was given a detailed visual of where I’d taken it in.
The list included:
- The huge toxicity flowing through all of this political craziness in general and how disturbing the energy is.
- The ways you’ve gotten sucked into the debates and checking for updates all day long.
- The mystery/thriller you went to see the other night that focused on more pain and angst and lies.
- The crime thriller you just added in “for fun” late at night that is as dark as dark can be.
- Your husband sharing in a way that triggered fear.
- The change in your familiar surroundings from another move.
- The client you turned down because the story was so toxic you knew it needed a referral to a psychiatrist.
- The fact that you’ve stopped your regular ways of de-toxifying – no workouts, no yoga, no hikes.
- Days and days of grey and rain again.
I’ll just stop here.
The list went on. What I hope that you see is how all of this piled up and I didn’t even realize it.
Yes, I’m a Coach. And yes, I have a pretty solid daily practice. But I also am just a gal who is traveling this path like you, who stumbles over the obvious at times or isn’t aware of things building up periodically and then hits the pavement.
My own aching, tender heart goes out to yours if you’ve found yourself in this place lately. I’ve heard from many people that they are trying to clear out the negativity and “yuck” that’s gotten lodged in them somewhere.
What helped me?
First, just the practice of acknowledging having landed in this dark place unhooks things for me. I do a visualization process that focuses on washing my entire inner and outer being with clear, clean, beautiful river water, as if it’s flowing from a waterfall through me.
Talking about it with my Beloved helped lighten my heart.
Adding back in small self-care steps, like starting my 30 minute workouts again and taking a long walk around the new neighborhood calmed my physical body.
And as important? Saying “No” right now to anything I have control over that pours toxicity into my world, starting with the news and movies and music and books. Most of the time I can enjoy a great crime thriller or watching CNN for an hour. Right now? It’s all just too much. I’ve taken myself by the hand and walked over to a nice, peaceful place until my heart settles.
Care to join me?