Why’s This My Work?


“Barb, Why do I keep hearing you say that the Coaching you do always circles back to strengthening the relationship that person has with themselves? If you’re having a problem or issue with what your partner is doing, how is that about you?”

First, you have to know how much I absolutely LOVE this kind of question! I recently did another Revolutionary Love Q & A Evening at the conference I attended and honestly, almost every question asked that night was some form of this.


So, here’s what I’m going to do instead of writing a long, wordy explanation about what I mean, because most of you have heard me talk endlessly about this. Let’s look at some actual examples of past clients so I can shed more light on what I’m talking about, Ok? I’ll keep these short and give you the “dilemma”, the “natural tendency” and the “personal work.”  Got it? 

Let’s have some fun!

Example Number 1

DILEMMA: “I’ve been in this relationship for 2 ½ yrs and my boyfriend still says he sees no reason to get married. I feel like I’m just wasting time and need you to tell me whether to give him an ultimatum now!”

HABITUAL THINKING: “I’m being taken advantage of and have a right to push him hard.”

PERSONAL WORK: “So, why have 2 ½ yrs gone by with you saying “Yes” to living together and no agreement  or follow through about what you would/wouldn’t settle for in regards to marriage?”

 -We work on flushing out Requirements, Setting Boundaries, Speaking Truth, Unhooking from the desire to have a partner at any cost

Example Number 2

DILEMMA: “I never feel like I really get my needs met. I just keep meeting hers, doing what makes her happy, making sure things go smoothly and keeping the peace. When is it about me?”

HABITUAL THINKING: “Geezzz – women sure can be self-centered.”

PERSONAL WORK: “Guess what? You’re the one deciding to take on the role of ‘Mr. Nice Guy’ and then resenting all the over-giving / over-functioning / quietly begging for love.” 

-We work on Identifying Deep Fears, Letting go of Caretaking Behavior, Flush Out what you truly want for yourself, Build Strength around setting boundaries and speaking up for own needs & desires

Example Number 3

DILEMMA: “I’ve done so much personal / spiritual growth work since we were married 19 years ago and my husband seems to still be the same old guy. I push and push to get him to do this work with me and he’s just not interested. I’m not sure if I want to stay in this relationship.”

HABITUAL THINKING: “I’ve changed, he hasn’t, I think I’ve fallen out of love.”

PERSONAL WORK: “Trust me, you’ve both changed in ways and no one simply “falls out of love.”

-We work on Stopping Any/ All Controlling behavior, Release judgements, Practice Vulnerability and Authentic conversations around desires, Create a Powerful Relationship Vision, Focus on Building Back a strong Emotional Connection (feelings of love come from this)

Example Number 4

DILEMMA: “My partner wants to try an ‘open relationship’ and I’m stunned, but am considering it because he keeps telling me he doesn’t want to be with a closed minded person.”

HABITUAL THINKING:  “I don’t want to be accused of something that doesn’t feel good, like having a closed mind and I need to prove that’s not true.”

PERSONAL WORK: “Do you not know what your deal-breakers in a relationship are? Are you not comfortable voicing your opinions and speaking your values?”

-We work on Reviewing Requirements, Setting boundaries, Trusting the self, Building self confidence

I hope this was helpful in seeing what I mean when I say that regardless of what comes our way, the work is to keep strengthening our own Personal Foundation so that challenges are easily addressed. So much drama is created in our love lives because we have areas of emotional immaturity that still rear their ugly heads! 

Take some time this week to look honestly at what area of your emotional landscape you could build up and assess how well you do as you move through your days. Do you have a personal “honor code” you hold yourself to?  Can you set swift boundaries, regardless of the perceived consequences?  Are you unhooked from needing the approval of others or do you dance around issues to try and keep the peace or others liking you?

It’s exhausting when your foundation is weak or non-existent. Everywhere you turn another problem presents itself. Trust me, dedicating yourself to live from a place of “authentic power” and letting everything else fall to the wayside will bring you freedom and a sense of inner peace that is literally, indescribable! 

Let me know where you’re at with your “building” and how I can help!

Big love to you all~