Allowing. Have you noticed that we, as human beings, tend to struggle with non-resistant endings in our lives? Pretty funny, this “struggling” with “allowing.” Or, not so funny, when we consider the pain we experience from holding on tightly to something.
If you are on any kind of personal, spiritual or yoga path, you are coming up against this principle regularly. That, and butting up against the word, “acceptance.”
Where I notice this painful struggle, over and over in my Coaching practice, is with endings. Certainly endings of any kind, but especially as a love relationship ends. Nothing creates more angst and internal pain than not allowing a true, complete ending to take place when you know that a love connection is complete.
You may be saying “It’s over” and taking steps to break daily habits and routines that the two of you had, but what does it look like to not fully “allow” for a deep, cleansing finish to wash through you and all that you had together? In my experience, both personally and with clients, these are some of the key ways that we keep ourselves from accepting a true ending and end up prolonging the pain for ourselves:
- Keeping the texting going around “details” that you think need to be worked out, talked about or decided. Cover things immediately and then let the rest go. If you are actually divorcing, you’ll certainly need time to flush all this out. But if you are in the midst of a breakup with a boyfriend/girlfriend, you can wind things up quickly. Do it. The “I need to talk to you about this thing” is just a way to keep a connection there. And that means more pain for you.
- Obsessing about something to send them that will not only convey your pain, but possibly make them miss you and consider getting back together. I had a client who spent two full days, (yes, 48 straight hours!) going through YouTube music videos so she could send the perfect one that would hook her BF back in. It didn’t. Catch yourself as you start to hunt for the card or graphic or quote that will spark something between you again. If it’s over, then be brave and allow it to be.
- Rewriting history. Or, selective thinking. Look, your relationship is over for a reason. Whether you ended it or he/she did, there were specific reasons that more than likely had been surfacing for a while. You knew clearly what those things were as you were doing this relationship dance! You talked about your concerns with your friends and asked yourself regularly whether this was going to work or not. Maybe you even wrote out a classic, “pro – con” list to try and get some clarity on whether to stay or go! Funny, how once the decision is made, all we focus on is what worked well, what we loved about this person and the many things we will miss. Get your journal out and write the 3 key reasons that this relationship is D-O-N-E, done. Then look at it every time you waffle until you feel a healthy detachment settling in.
- Let’s be friends. Ok, this one will tank you every time, so listen closely. There are reasons that you or your partner have decided this cannot be a wonderful, conscious, satisfying relationship. The best love relationships are based on a solid friendship. If you had enough problems together that staying in love with not possible, there is a huge chance that remaining in a healthy friendship won’t work either. I want to be clear. I’m not saying it never works, and I myself, couldn’t be any closer now with a former husband. But what is required to even know whether that is possible down the road, is a full and complete ending now, in which the emotional connection is severed and both of you have gotten on with your own lives!
- Allowing the wrong thing to “anchor” in your heart – loneliness. Allowing and acceptance are key components to a clean, complete relationship ending. And what, exactly, are you attempting to allow? The truth, to settle deeply around what was not working. Your heart to grieve the ending. The allowing of a full emotional separation from this person who your heart was connected to. And allowing time, space and self-nurturing to take place so that you can walk to the edge of hope again and begin painting a beautiful picture of where you are headed and what kind of person you’d love to share that vision with!
Most people know that I’m a bit obsessed with discussing the need for all of us to continue to grow our “emotional maturity” so that we can not only attract a conscious, loving relationship, but add to the health and healing of our communities and world. Mature love includes the ability to be able to “hold your own hand” as a love connection ends and to be courageous enough to sit with the loss and pain, until it is fully transformed.
Allowing. Take the gentle road, my friends.
(if you are interested in a deeper discussion about how to grow your emotional maturity, grab this!)